


Back From Etherea

by Ascende_Superius



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, Closure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episodes 12-16, Family, It gets dark, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Romance, Season 7 Alternative, Suicide Attempt, The 100 (TV) Season 7, The Blakes Reunion, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, blood and tears, disciples, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26550964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ascende_Superius/pseuds/Ascende_Superius
Summary: Bellamy survived on Etherea.. nearly gave up.Then suddenly, he found a way back to his family.. to Clarke..Clarke thought she lost Bellamy, but she wasn't ready to give up on him..she was losing her mind, until she found him.---The reunion of Bellamy and his family after he came back to Bardo from his journey on Etherea...---------------------------Trigger warning: this may include violence, suicide, blood, and death scenes.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin/Octavia Blake, John Murphy/Emori, Nathan Miller/Eric Jackson
Comments: 21
Kudos: 82





	1. Ai gonplei ste odon

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.  
> You'll find the chapters short (around 1k each) that's because I will be writing this in the form of scenes, like I'm watching them on screen.
> 
> Second thing, this season could've been everything we hoped, but it turned out to be disappointing.  
> I planned out the events of this fic to make this season and the ending of the show better for me, but it was still based partly on the actual events of the season.
> 
> I truly believe that these characters and this fandom deserves better, and deserves a closure. I'll try my best to bring my ideas to life and hope that you guys would love it.

This was not his best day. But thinking about it, he didn't have any good days for a long time, only some were less bearable than others. Right here, in this moment, he laid down in his cave looking to the wall of rocks beside him, he started thinking.

Today was definitely a day he knew he couldn't bear. But not because he is being nostalgic, remembering his family on the ring, beating himself up for all the people he once killed (and for what? he lost everything he was fighting for anyways).

But today, he had unbearable thoughts.

First leaving Clarke on earth, which now he definitely knows how empty and sad she must have felt being alone there on a fucked up planet.

_God, I've missed you Clarke. How did you do this alone? How talking to me kept you sane? Because talking to you and not hearing your voice replying to me, drives me crazy._

Then leaving Octavia, his responsibility, in the forests of sanctum all by herself. He knew when darkness prevails; it's harder to see the light again. But he should've been with her, to guide her, to be her rock, to show her the way out of this dark road.

He knew it wasn't easy to lead, he knew it came with impossible choices (he saw Clarke make these choices over and over again, and he gave her forgiveness over and over again). Why didn't he forgive O? Why didn't he keep her close?

_I'm sorry O, you're my everything, I wish I had the chance to show you how much I love you. I wish I told you that._

He keeps thinking how his mother would be looking down at him, disappointed. But can she actually see him now? She's light-years away, galaxies away, and centuries away from him. Maybe she can't do that anymore, she can't look down at him and give him the peace he needs.

In another world, he would've punched something or ran for some time to stay distracted. But right now this was a luxury he couldn't afford. His cave was freezing cold, and he didn't have a consistent source of food to give him the power to do, well anything. So he definitely can’t waste his energy if he wanted to stay alive for a little longer.

He can feel hours going by and he didn't even try to move. He thinks that his head is going to burst, he can't keep thinking about Clarke and Octavia anymore.

His demons aren't leaving him today, he wanted to slay them. He wanted to say he's not afraid. But he is afraid, and he is his own demon.

_Maybe I should slay this demon._

He reached out his hand in the pocket of his coat, touched the metal inside, and took it out. He kept looking to the small knife, turning it around in his hands with a lot crossing his mind.

_Maybe it's time to slay the demon._

_My fight is over._

He took off the gloves he was wearing, raising the blade closer to his wrist. The cold metal against his skin sent shivers through his spine.

"How did you handle this Clarke?" He whispered.

"How did you wait all this time?" He said after a few moments, still looking down on the blade with cold tears rolling down his face and hiding in his dark, messy beard.

He didn't recognize his voice. It's been days of silence. Last time he spoke to his family he didn't say a lot but at least he did hear his own voice saying anything.

He told Echo and Raven to _stay alive and be well_.

He felt he's going to meet Monty and Harper soon, so he told them _we will meet again._

Murphy had been his family too even though he didn't always stand by them, _you made many bad choices but you still can do better, be loyal, show your love._

Lastly, he fell silent again but thought about his mother. He told her about everything and nothing. He told her things she didn't know about: how beautiful earth was (even for all of its faults), how strong Octavia is now, his new planet, and actually that they went to another binary system, and he told her about Clarke.

He started pressing the metal down, feeling the pressure on his skin.

"I'm sorry to leave you. I want you to be happy, even without me." He paused when he started to feel pain. 

"I didn't fight for you as much as you did for me Clarke. I wish you can get me out of this too, but this time you can't. But I need your forgiveness on this one".

He looked down at the red color on his skin, still not moving or cutting any deeper.

"Forgive me one last time". He lost his voice at this point.

_One last time, Clarke_.

He begged her to hear him, forgive him, save him.

He heard faint sound, so he turned around to look. He saw an insect he didn't recognize on the wall beside him. So he instantly lowered the knife to the ground, put the glove back on, and moved towards the wall to eat whatever he saw moving. 

_Thank you. You saved me on_ _e last time. But i guess you always do._

_Did._

_Thank you, Clarke._

All his days were similar to this one. Except a week later, he supposed, he saw a green hue coming from outside the cave. He went out, seeing the anomaly rising around the mountain.

He didn't bother whether if this could kill him. He is willing to die trying.

_I’ll fight for my life. I will. Just if I didn’t make it… Ai gonplei ste odon. Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim._

_(My fight is over. May we meet again)_

And just like that, he jumped off that cliff. He saw the green swallow him from every side and he just closed his eyes, accepted that he might die in that very instant.


	2. Look at me, Princess

He blinked once, twice. Trying to open his eyes but failing to do so. He tried to stand but he couldn’t.

_Am I dead? Why is there so much white?_

His head was swaying although he can feel his back on the ground.

_Okay Bellamy, you got knocked out, you will be awake soon. You are not dead._

_Not dead._

He heard people speaking beside him. At first, everything wasn’t clear, but he kept trying to listen harder.

“How… back… this is…. Possible...” A man’s voice said.

“… Matter anymore… is back... Regret…” Another man was saying.

He heard a woman reply and his body flinched. He didn’t expect her to be sitting right beside him.

“I saw that memory in M-cap and I told you he wasn’t dead! You can fool Octavia, maybe echo, but I’m not anything like them.”

Is this _Clarke? How?_ _Why is she angry? What is M-cap? Octavia is alive thank god._

His thoughts were interrupted when she started talking again. “Let’s hope he is fine” She said. Her voice was lower this time, like she is talking to him.

“Or we are going to have problems” she continued, louder this time.

He wanted to open his eyes, to say anything, but he couldn’t.

“Miller, Niylah, clear this room, no disciples stay here.” She said after a pause. “Jordan, get Octavia now. If Gabriel wants to come, let him. And take a gun with you.”

_Our People are alive. Good._

There was silence in the room. Then she said “Now! Go.” He heard feet moving around him.

_Always the boss, Clarke._ He wanted to say.

He wanted to smile to her and hug her. He felt happy; she’s not just a memory right now.

He opened his eyes slightly, that was all he could manage. The white light blinding him, then his eye focused. He saw Clarke sitting on her knees beside him, touching his shoulder lightly. She was not looking at him, but talking to someone else, sitting beside his leg. He couldn’t see who.

“Hey... It’s okay, he is back” Clarke said. He heard the other person sniffle.

 _Who is crying?_ He wondered

“I just thought… we lost him. I thought you were crazy” The girl cried. _Raven._ He recognized her voice.

“You kept saying he isn’t dead, I thought you finally lost your mind. I believed the others and not you” she continued.

_Of course you said that princess. You always believed in me._

“Hey it’s alright, I sounded crazy” Clarke said calmly. “Do you think we will be able to get Echo to see him before they send her to penance?”

“I don’t think she’s allowed to step outside without at least 15 disciples”

“Yeah I know… I’m just thinking at least we should tell her he is here” she paused. “Before any other attempt of genocide anyways” Clarke murmured.

Then he felt her hand brush his hair out of his face.

_Genocide. Echo wants that? Why?_

He felt like he’s been like that for a very long time, and it started to be frustrating. His family is here, but he can’t hug them or even talk to them.

He decided to get up. He needs to get up.

He pressed his elbows to the ground, to support him. His body protested, his head felt heavier and heavier but he didn’t care. He needs to do it.

He heard raven gasp.

“Bellamy?” Clarke said breathlessly.

He found his voice when he heard her call his name. “Help me get up Clarke” he replied, nearly a whisper.

She held his arms with both her hands and helped him to his feet.

Now he is literally swaying, not just in his head. Clarke’s hands didn’t leave him, she came closer and wrapped her arms around his neck. She stood on her toes while hugging him. He opened his eyes wider this time, taking everything in.

Clarke’s blonde hair brushed the side of his face. He saw Niylah and Miller standing a few steps away smiling warmly at them, and he felt raven looking at them from his back.

He started to stand straight on his own, not swaying anymore, not leaning on her, but still she hugged him and didn’t let go.

“You’re here” She whispered into his shoulder.

He took few seconds to realize everything. She’s here. She really is. He can smell her again, feel her again. He turned his hands around her waist, bringing her closer to his body. He buried his face in the side of her neck, and she still the same as he remembers. Her body is still small compared to him, her hair is still soft and curled as always, and her hands around his neck felt familiar.

After a few moments, Raven and Miller hugged him and Niylah welcomed him back.

Clarke and Raven took Bellamy to a corner and they sat down with his back rested on the wall and they were facing him, while the others went to guard the door again.

“What happened to Octavia and Echo?” he asked.

“They are alive Bellamy. Don’t worry about them” Raven answered. “Octavia is in her room, she’s on her way here now. Echo is…”

“What raven?” he raised his voice. “I heard you saying genocide, what was that?”

“She was going to kill everyone in here to get revenge” She swallowed. “For your death”

He wanted to ask them about everything.

_Why is Gabriel here? How are they all even here?_

He opened his mouth to start asking about all of this.

“Bellamy how did this happen?” Raven interrupted him before he said anything.

He cleared his throat.

“The anomaly was opened, and Octavia told me to jump, I refused. But there was a bomb” he paused to collect his thoughts.

“I mean, I was holding a disciple as a hostage, he knew that this device was a bomb, so he saved us both by dragging me into the anomaly ” he paused again before he said with a sad voice, “he died on the mountain, I reached the top alone”

Clarke kept her eyes on the ground. Not saying anything, or looking at him.

Raven started explaining to him how they knew.

“We figured that the anomaly was leading to Etherea not Sanctum on the day you d… disappeared” she looked at him apologetically. “Anyways... Thanks to Clarke, she kept asking them a lot of things about that day. When we knew that Anders was lying about Sanctum, we opened the anomaly and hoped that we could find you”

“But you found us…” Clarke said with a broken voice.

He looked at her and smiled slightly.

_Of course I would find you. I fought and stayed alive for you._

He touched her shoulder, wanting her to look at him but she didn’t. “I’m here Clarke. I know I look awful, but at least I’m here now“

He wanted her to look at him. Why isn’t she?

“I’ll go get Jordan, we need to decode that text” Raven said, when she sensed that they need a moment before Octavia comes.

She jumped to Bellamy, hugging him tightly. “It’s good to see you again. I thought I never would” she whispered happily, then stood up and left.

He turned back to Clarke, and found her looking at him this time. He knew exactly why she wasn’t before. Her eyes were red and filled with tears that she was holding back.

He took off his coat when he started to feel warm. Unlike the mountain, this place wasn’t freezing or raining.

They sat in silence for a moment before he started to speak again.

“I guess your radio calls weren’t pathetic after all” he joked, his lips smiling slightly.

She snapped her head upwards to look at him, unable to even smile at the humor. The purpose of that joke wasn’t met, because she started crying silently, closing her eyes.

He raised his hand to hold her head, brushing his thumb over her cheeks to wipe the tears falling on them. Seeing Clarke like this breaks his heart.

“Shh… It’s okay” he cooed.

“I lost my mother. I thought I lost you too.” She sobbed. “I couldn’t take that. I just can’t Bellamy!” she raised her voice.

He saw her panic and her tears and his heart broke even more.

“Come here Clarke” he opened his arms.

She stood on her knees and took a few steps towards him, then sat down again leaning into his arms. He turned them around her and held her tight, like their lives depended on it.

“I’ve missed you” he said.

She nodded in response, not pulling back or moving anywhere. She needed to know this is real.

“You kept me sane too, you know”

She pulled back, but still holding his arm. “How?” she asked.

For the first time, her blue eyes looked into his brown ones, and he felt like he’s really back now.

“I thought about you a lot. I even spent night telling my mother about you. She would’ve loved you more than me and Blodreina you know” he smiled.

She laughed a little at that.

_Good. No more crying, Princess._

“I’m sure you didn’t tell her about Wanheda” she challenged _._

“Maybe, or maybe not”

She cleared her throat.

“It’s been a while, there is a lot of catching up to do.” He said.

“But first, is everyone safe?”

She lets his arm go and looks down. “There are things that are hard to explain” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> Comments and Kudos are Appreciated!


	3. Where is my home now?

“There are things that are hard to explain” Clarke tapped with her fingers on her lap.

“Octavia stayed inside the anomaly for 10 years on planet beta, with Diyoza and her daughter Hope”

Bellamy’s eyes went wide.

_10 years… I did that to her…_

_How did she seem okay with me? How didn’t she hate me?_

“Bellamy it’s not your fault” she said, like she knew what he was thinking.

“I need you to listen before she comes here”

He looked back at her, listening.

“Echo was trying to revenge you… She was going to wipe this whole place out, when we knew we tried to talk her out of it.”

“Is someone hurt, Clarke?” he said, feeling angry. Why though? He didn’t know.

“Diyoza is dead. She was saving us all, because Echo got that damn bioweapon out of its secure lock” Clarke said bluntly.

He flinched at how cold she sounded.

“What you need to know that Diyoza was…”

The door opened suddenly, revealing Octavia with Gabriel by her side. Octavia’s eyes wandering around the room, looking for him.

“Was her family, and she died in front of her. It wasn’t easy, and she’s not okay.” She whispered quickly before Octavia could come any closer.

The siblings’ eyes found each other. Then she ran towards him with open arms.

“Oh my God! Bellamy!” she cried, hugging him tightly.

\--------------------------

  
After Bellamy reunited with Octavia, she hugged him like her life depends on it. That reminded him of all the times she did that on the Ark, a million years ago. Even though, she wasn't his little sister anymore, she always felt like his responsibility. 

They sat down on a couch in the corner of her dimly lighted room, as she told him about every thing. His heart was feeling heavy with guilt, sadness, and even nostalgia. He realized that his little O spent 16 years away from him. His little O celebrated her 33rd year away from him. That he missed seeing her grow up. She is not his little sister anymore. 

He surely lost his mind being away from her for 6 years on the ring while she was leading the whole population down under the ground in a closed bunker, and he lost more of his sanity in the 3 months he spent away in Etherea. 

"God.. Octavia.. I" he was lost, his mind raced but his mouth didn't utter a word. He wanted to say how sorry this happened to her. How much he regrets every chance he wasted without being with her. How he wanted to take back every cruel word he said to her. How strong she is.

"It's okay Bell" she whispered, running her hands on his face. "you're okay and we are together now" she smiled warmly at him. 

"Octavia you spent 10 years alone, how is that okay?" he pleaded.

"I wasn't alone. I had Diyoza, and we had Hope" 

He saw a sparkle in her eyes that wasn't there before. He almost felt she was happy, until her eyes started watering, holding back her tears and sadly smiling at him.

"It's okay if you wanna..." he didn't want to tell her to cry because he knew it would break his heart even more. He thought again before he raised his hands to her shoulder and said "I know about Diyoza".

She burst into tears almost immediately, as if she was holding these tears for centuries. He didn't try to stop the tears, he wanted her to talk to him, he was certainly done talking to himself, now he needed her to. He needed the human contact.

"I loved her so much. I wanted to get you and Clarke and Madi to live with us" she sobbed again and again. "I told Hope everything about you and she loves you! She knows about Augustus and Octavia, about every thing you told me when I was little" her shoulders shaked as she kept crying.

"She was my home after I lost every home I once had!" her voice started to break, he held her hand to comfort her as she started to speak again. "I lost mom, Lincoln, and even YOU Bellamy. She made me good again, and I lost her"

"She is always with you O, like mom is always with us"

"She left Hope. I'll always have a part of her with me, whenever I see Hope I see her" she paused for a second to calm down.

"But now my kid is just as messed up as the rest of us. yesterday she was just my little one and now she killed her own mother and is locked up"

Bellamy was hearing the story of Octavia happening to the kid she raised, and his heart shattered into infinite pieces. 

"What I saw in my life came back to my Hope... I know what that does to your soul, and I can't be with her through it"

"We'll find a way. We always do" he told her as he hugged his sister. He felt a little bit of relief build inside his chest as she started to breathe evenly. He's grateful for the universe for bringing him back to her in the time she needed him the most. 

_He's grateful for Clarke, for never giving up on him_.

Octavia already was drifting off, so he stood up to leave, wishing her a goodnight as he exited the room. He belonged nowhere here. He knew his people is around here but he didn't belong with them. Octavia is in enough pain to take care of him. Echo is locked up, just as Hope. 

His feet didn't know the way, but his heart knew where he wanted to be. He started moving through the dark hallways, silence filling up his senses as he walked to the stone room, wishing with all his heart he would find Clarke there. 


	4. Deep trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this filler chapter, but the next one is worth it.

Bellamy reached the white room, talking a few steps inside to look around. 

Raven and Gabriel were standing in front of the stone, whispering between themselves, while Jordan stood in front of a long white touch screen with symbols he did not understand. The tension in the room was visible, the thick air nearly choked him. He knows that they are in trouble, that everything is on the edge of burning in any moment. If he was being honest, it surprises him that the disciples didn't lock up each and every one of their people by now. 

Raven noticed that Bellamy is here, so she turns around from Gabriel and starts walking towards him. "Hey Bellamy. Feeling better?" she said softly.

"I'm fine" he replied with a sad smile. "Octavia probably isn't" 

She nodded her head in sympathy. "Echo and Hope are in deep shit" she took a step closer to him and whispered "if I'm being honest, we all are"

"I know Raven, from what I've seen it seems bad" he matched her low voice. 

"That's not the bad part yet" she looked at him worriedly, and he know he's not going to like what comes next.

"What is?" he asked.

"Clarke is going to get herself killed for us to live" _There it is. The ugly truth._

He wanted so hard to believe it was not true. But now all the tension and worried looks made sense. Of course Clarke is _always_ in trouble.

"Like hell she is. I won't let her!" he said, his words no longer a whisper. Both Raven and Gabriel shot him a warning look. 

"Keep it down Bellamy, I'm trying to work here" Jordan said, no heat in his words. 

He blinked for a few seconds trying to understand what the hell is there problem. But before he knew what was happening Raven nearly jumped on him, hugging him tightly. He stumbled back from her force but then regained his balance, barely hugging her back.

"Raven... wha..." he was interrupted by Raven shushing him, and he fell silent.

"This room isn't safe, don't say anything" she whispered in his ear. "I need you to talk her down. She won't listen to anyone of us. Just you" her whisper was so low he nearly missed what she was saying. 

Raven pulled back and turned to face Gabriel now with a fake smile. "Hey Gabriel I'll try to run some codes on the stone, maybe take Bellamy to Clarke's room so he can get some sleep?"

Gabriel nodded to her and they both left the room in silence.

\-------------------------

Bellamy stood in front of Clarke's door for a minute to collect his thoughts. He lost count on how many times he did this; talking her out of danger, trying to save her, to tell her that they are in this together, that she shouldn't sacrifice herself for everyone again and again.

He can't help but feel scared that he might fail, just like after Mount Weather. He failed to make her come inside with him, he failed to carry the burden with her. He lost her then for months before he could find her again. However, this time his loss will be permanent, if she does this he'll lose her again and for good this time. He certainly knows that this time even a CPR won't bring her back.

He isn't afraid, he is terrified.

He moves closer to the door and lifts his hand to press on the button on the wall. The door slides smoothly to the side, and a room similar to Octavia's welcome him. His eyes fell on Clarke, she is standing in the middle of the room with Miller and they are shooting angry replies to each other, totally ignoring the opened door.

"Why does it always have to be you?" Miller questions her angrily.

"I'm not talking about this again" She replied instantly. "They gave us 7 hours to rest and get ready before everyone could go back to Sanctum"

"Not everyone" Bellamy said quietly from the corner of the room where he stood silently.

They both whipped their heads towards him, not exactly surprised, but tense.

Clarke opened her mouth to say anything to them but no words came out. Bellamy knows exactly what this means and he doesn't like it, she is looking like she's saying her goodbyes and apologies to them once and for all.

"We won't let you do this" Miller said finally before turning around and walking towards the door angrily.

He stops just beside Bellamy, shoulder to shoulder, looks to him and whispers "Talk to her. We all did and as you can see" he motioned his arms towards Clarke and leaves the room after.


	5. Anything for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while you're reading you should know that after Bellamy spent nearly 3 months on Etherea, he had doucette for a while but that's it, he suffered and isolation got the best of him...  
> Bellamy isn't a character that is dependent on others but right now he is a little shaky and weak. He speaks a lot to himself (in his head) and he constantly wants human contact, it reminds him that he is back and he is alive now. 
> 
> He will go back to normal after he recovers from his shock.

Clarke closed her eyes, huffing in frustration and drops on the couch. He looks at her for a moment, deciding what to do.

Finally he moves quietly to her, and sits on the couch beside her while theirs bodies are close to a touch from shoulder to thighs. She sat with her elbows on her knees and her face in her palms while he looked straight ahead. 

After what feels like years, she finally sits back on the couch, eyes locked on the opposite wall as she started talking softly.

"How are you feeling?" she smiled.

"Really? Me? I'm alive" He said with a dry laugh and raised eyebrows, he's annoyed with the change of subject.

“Of course you are” she smirked “It’s hard to keep the Blakes down” she humored.

“The commander of death didn’t let me die so I didn’t have a choice” he laughed a bit.

She turned her body towards him, one leg bent under her while the other dangled from the couch. She looked at him with a look he didn’t comprehend before she started.

“Bellamy...” she whispered “If I don’t see you again…”

“No, Clarke. I won’t let you.” He said harshly and she blinked in surprise of the tough voice he is using.

“I won’t lose anyone else today”

“I won’t lose you any day” he fired back.

“They want me, they can have me. I won’t let them get Madi, you know I can’t do that”

He moved closer to her, holding her shoulders. “We will figure this out, together. Like we always do”

She smiled slightly and moved to hug him. His hands shifted from her shoulders to her hair and neck while she buried her face in his chest.

She moved one hand to his beard, brushing it lightly. “As much as I like your beard, you should shave” she said, her lips tickling his chest.

“Yeah” he whispered “can you do it?” he closed his eyes, feeling stupid that he asked her.

She let go of him and break their hug to look at him for a moment before replying to him with a soft smile “Anything for you”.

She stood up from her seat and motioned to him with her hand to follow him, and he did. She brought a metal chair from the small table to the bathroom area, putting the chair in front of the basin for him to sit down, while she went to the cabin and brought a small metal blade and what he assumed is soap. She laid a towel in his lap and stood beside him with the blade in hand and started to get it closer to his chin when he flinched away, closing his eyes involuntarily.

“What’s wrong Bellamy?” her eyes were worried.

“Nothing...” he inhaled and exhaled loudly, trying to calm himself down. “It’s just… The last time I held a blade I was desperate and...” he trailed off, hoping she would understand.

She left the blade quickly on the basin, looking at him apologetically.

“I’m sorry… You don’t have to do this” she said.

He shook his head and looked up to her “No I want to, its fine keep going”.

She didn’t pick it up, instead she moved from his side and stood in front of him, looking down to his eyes. He can see how uneasy she looks, how her brain gears are working, she wants to say something.

“What is it, princess?” he touched her forearm, his fingers feather light on her skin.

After a few moments she started speaking.

“I didn’t want to tell anyone this but when I was on earth, before I found Madi, I stayed in the dead zone for weeks without anything to eat or drink” she swallows, closing her eyes for a second.

“I only had my gun, I was weak and ready to give up. Before I do it I saw this bird, and I had this tiny bit of hope again”

He always felt guilty for all those years she lived down there on a burning planet, all alone. But now he also knows how it feels, and god, he hates himself for leaving her now more than ever.

“It was the same for me. I nearly did it. I was talking to you, saying… goodbye” he looked at her and her eyes were tearing “But I found this bug and...” he lost his words.

She nods slightly to him, _she understands_.

He took the blade from the basin in a hand while he lifted her left hand in the other, turning her hand in his so he could place the blade on her palm.

He brushed his thumb on hers and started to speak again. “I’m okay... Do it” he smiled, wanting to reassure her.

She smiled back and curled her finger around the metal, and started to go back to work. She run her hands through his long beard and held it tight while she chopped it off just below his chin, the hair falling on the towel. Once she cut it short, she started the water and used the soap on his skin, her hands delicate and small compared to his face.

She cleared her throat and looked between them for a moment. “Can I?” she asked, pointing to his knees with her free hand.

She looked down on his legs again and he understood.

He nodded and spread his knees so she can stand closer to him, between his legs. She bent down and cupped his jaw, tilting his face to the side, and started shaving his right cheek. Her fingers on his jaw sent fires through his neck and throat, he tried hardly to stay calm while she worked. She finished that side and started to work on the other one, her hand alternating from his face to the basin to wash off the soap. He is very aware of how close they are, how they are sharing the air they breathe and he started to get dizzy from her scent. She smells like home.

After a few minutes, she wiped off his face with a towel and looked at him to check if there is anything left. He fights the urge to pull her into a hug again, afraid he might make her feel uncomfortable.

He feels guilty too. He is thinking about this moment a little too much, while his girlfriend is locked up because of him.

_No not because of me._

He never wanted her to do that, to kill innocent people again. He thought after 6 years on the ring he changed her, that she stopped being that person. He was wrong. She is still the same.

“Is it that bad?” she asked, and he realized she was talking to him while he was lost in his thoughts.

“Of course not. Thanks” he replied with a smile.

She nodded in response as she started to clear the place.

“You can take the bed, sleep for the next few hours you need it” she said as she moved around the room, putting everything in place and opening the drawers to bring him some clothes.

“I’ll go to the stone room to check on Raven and Jordan, we need to decode this mystery of the last war” She turned around and went back to the dresser to take her gun and knife.

“I don’t want to be alone” he said suddenly.

She stopped and turned around to face him. “Never”

His heart warmed at her reply and he felt easier and lighter.

“I’ll be back in a few” she smiled and left the room.

He changed his clothes and settled on the bed, hoping that he could sleep without any nightmares this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated <3


	6. We were always damned

Bellamy laid in the darkness for what felt like hours, tossing and turning under the thin blanket feeling as restless as ever. He was relieved and calm that his people are alive, but he felt a knot in his stomach because he knew that they are in very deep trouble. His mind raced and that’s what kept him awake and unable to sleep. Octavia is broken and Echo is lost, while Clarke is running full speed towards danger and death. _Again_.

The sound of a knock on the door shook him out of his thoughts, he stood up and walked slowly to open it, unsure of what to expect. He pressed the button on the wall and the door slid to the side, revealing an old man with white robes. He doesn’t know who the man is, but he is damn sure he has an idea about who’s this.

“Good day, Bellamy” The man spoke with a smile that showed calmness and confidence.

“Cadogan, I assume?”

“In the flesh” Bill said as a joke, but he didn’t even feel anything funny about him. If anything, this man looks like a serpent that has a very smooth skin but is deadly in many ways.

“What do you want?” Bellamy asked, a little impatient.

“Just to have a small talk”

Bellamy stepped inside the room and went for the couch, placing a chair in the middle of the room as far away from him as possible. He settled on the couch and looked at Cadogan with solid eyes for a minute, studying him. He motioned to him to sit down on the chair.

“Leave the door” he said when Bill moved his hands to the door button.

He moved away from the wall, walking dangerously slow to it accept the seat. Their eyes were fixed on one another like a predator and a prey circling and ready to move into action. He sat down straight, their eyes locked. The challenge was there, who will speak first.

After a few minutes, Cadogan broke the silence “You came back from the greatest journey in this universe, Etherea” he said excitedly.

“That place is always special to me, it’s were I found the civilizations that transcended before us. When we win the last war, everything we went through will have a reason. I hope our core is pure enough, good enough for mankind to transcend. I found out that……”

As Cadogan kept talking about his beliefs, he stopped listening to him while he remembered all the things Doucette used to say, the prayer book, the cave of ascent.

_I’ve heard enough of this. I don’t need that fanatic to keep preaching like an “old wise man”._

“Is this your thing” Bellamy interrupted, his voice an octave lower than usual.

“what ‘thing’?” he replied, almost sarcastically.

“I’ve seen you preach on earth, trying to make people follow your cult” Bellamy attacked but he didn’t see him even blink, so he kept going. “Dragging people around you for years, making them believe that you’re a god?”

“I am chosen. I was chosen for this life.” Cadogan replied coldly.

“I’m sure your very _dead_ family understands” he spits.

“Your people love you and listen to you, Bellamy. I need them to help us”

He didn’t reply immediately, but started to think. 

_We need a plan to get out of here. A plan where no one dies and Clarke doesn’t sacrifice herself again. I need to keep her alive but they would kill us if she didn’t give them what they need from the flame._

His mind kept racing back and forth until his words came out of his mouth before he realizes what he is saying. 

“I believe in what you say. I really do.” he started not knowing what else to say. He looked at the ground, trying to think of the whole thing.

“I saw the cave of ascent myself, and the beings of light. So I will do your bidding, but not out of blind faith like your followers.” Bill nodded to him, a wide smile creep onto his face.

As much as he knew that the man was content, it still felt evil and fake.

“The first thing you should know is about the flame… umm the key as you call it”

He nodded again and asked “What about it?”

He was interrupted by the person entering the room, and both men turned their heads towards the door to a very scared Clarke standing by the door. “Bellamy… wha.. ”

“She doesn’t have the key” he kept speaking as she moved hurriedly towards them. “It was destroyed… I’m sorry”

Clarke stopped dead in her place, looking between them wide-eyed. Bill, on the other hand, had his brows furrowed and you could see anger radiate off of him.

Bill stood up fast, looking at Clarke deeply.

“You lied. You people disgust me.”

“Bill, please sit. I’m not finished” Bellamy said calmly, as if he had all the confidence in the world.

Of course he was scared to death, he wondered how this might end, but he just started this game and had to keep going now. No turning back from this.

_My people. My responsibility._

“Then speak” Bill fired at him.

“We can bring you the flame. With the technology you have here, I’m sure we can make it work”

Clarke stood between them, facing Bellamy. “NOT POSSIBLE” she raised her voice with anger.

“I’m sure you mean good Bellamy. But they all deserve penance, and that is what they are going to get”

Bellamy blinked twice, taken aback of how this man who tried to sound almost friendly and calm turned to be this hostile. Before he gets to answer, Bill lifts his hand from his side and motioned towards Clarke.

Dozens of disciples appeared from thin air, surrounding them from every direction. Three of them moved to Clarke, starting to restrain her hands and taking her away. She kept wiggling, trying to free herself from them with no success.

“BELLAMY DON’T DO THIS” she shouted as they dragged her out of the room into the hallway.

“I assume your offer still stands. Are you with us?” Bill questioned. He is testing him.

He swallowed hard and looked to the door where he replayed Clarke’s image in his head again and again. It was cut by Cadogan’s figure, moving closer to stand in front of him.

“I don’t want to cause you anymore pain, son.” His sound returned to calm and welcoming again. He can never figure out what this man really thinks or feels.

“They will hate me” his voice was shaky, betraying him.

“When we save all mankind, they will understand”

He looked up at him, hopeful and determined “You will pardon them?”

“Faith and good deeds will pardon them” he smiled for a moment before he turns around and started to move out. “But Clarke is not pardoned; I even doubt she will ever be.”

She will die. He made sure of it.

_Damn it, Bellamy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay don't hate me already ahaha, it's not like the show went, he wouldn't let her die and he'd rather see his family hate him than see her in danger or possibly dead.   
> But I guess you'll have to wait and see how far he's willing to go ;)
> 
> AGAIN, thank you so much for reading it means a lot to me <3 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated x


	7. I don't need your love, just your trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> I missed writing this, i know it took me longer than the usual to update but its the FINALE week and it was overwhelming!  
> I cant say goodbye to these characters, i loved them in many ways i cant describe, i hope we will meet again :')
> 
> Anyways, thank you for coming back and sticking with me! Now that the season is over i have a clear image of what this fic will be like, because the story of the 100 does not end like that.
> 
> I might include more perspectives other than bellamy's from now on, because there are many more things that will happen.

Bellamy recalls his feeling when he walked through these hallways a few days ago hoping he would find Clarke’s Room. But this feeling he has now in his chest is begging him to turn around and never reach her. His heart is clenched and beating faster and faster by the minute blocking his senses.

_Am I really doing this? Seeing my sister and best friend as prisoners and doing nothing._

_Not only that I can’t help them, but I am the reason they are there! They will hate me for good this time._

His vision came back to focus when the two guards stopped at the gray door, he took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. Their eyes are on him and he knows it time to put that shield up high again. He straightened his back and held his gaze to the front as if all this world doesn’t matter to him.

_I am not afraid. I am ready._

He nodded to the guard on his right and the man reaches his hand to the handprint lock. The door slides smoothly revealing the two women sitting on one of the mattresses on the ground, while speaking quietly between each other. They kept holding hands in comfort but stopped talking when they saw him. At this moment, all he wished for is to reach for them and embrace them in his arms with all his might. He needs them to know how much he cares and loves them, but he can’t do this anymore.

He stepped in the room, the guards following him, and stood just in front of their mattress. Octavia’s red puffy eyes looked at him dangerously before she turned around and lied down on her side, giving him her back while facing the opposite wall.

He eyed her with concern and apologies before tearing his gaze from his little sister who hates him to Clarke. She held her head low between her bent knees, her elbows resting on her knees. Her body screams with tiredness and disappointment that he wants to take away. He wants to comfort her and tell her it’s okay, but he can’t and might never be able to.

She kept looking to the ground between them, not paying attention to him or the guards. But after a moment, she starts speaking quietly.

“I guess this is the part when you tell me to come with you” she said sarcastically.

“Or you can tell me where the key is” He begged.

“We call it the flame” She looked furiously at him, her eyes sending fire in his direction. Suddenly the room feels very small and the walls very close to him, tension thick that he can use a knife to cut through it.

Every time he came to take her to M-Cap he feels trapped again on that mountain, in that dark cave all alone. He remembers being very far away from his family, and now he feels even further.

He felt all eyes on him, he wants to stop his thoughts from taking over him and force himself back into reality, but this reality scares him. The more he spends time on the disciples’ side, the more he starts to believe in transcendence. The warmth and peace he felt when he saw beings of light has to mean something, and the shepherd gave him that meaning.

Whether he believes in transcendence or not, he will give them the flame, he won’t let Clarke die for whatever reason.

Bellamy cleared his throat and motioned to the guards to wait outside, they followed his order. When they finally left, he stepped closer to his women, willing to do whatever it takes to reach to them. He knelt down on his knees to be in eye level with Clarke before speaking.

“Look, I know it’s hard, but I need you to believe me. I am trying to save you, all of you” He begged again, his eyes tearing up.

She looked in disappointment, her face showing how much his heart is broken and it breaks him even more.

“I am not helping this man start his war, Bellamy. We talked before about this before, if you don’t have any other thing to say, we are done here” she hissed.

He blinked, his mind racing for anything to say, no words coming out of his mouth. “Octavia?” he asked in tears.

Octavia looked over her shoulder to him with glossy eyes “No big brother, you don’t get to do this” she shook her head and turned her whole body towards him “You don’t get to ask this after you betrayed us! Your family! You even left Echo after she did everything for you”

“In this life or any life, I won’t be able to understand what she did. You don’t kill innocent people out of revenge, Octavia.” He breathed deeply, trying to contain his anger. “She tried to kill you and Clarke and Skaikru years ago and I gave her forgiveness, but a spy is a spy right?”

He loved her but he hated what she did, they are trying to do better and she isn’t doing that. This isn’t Mount Weather, she wasn’t saving anyone. She wasn’t even saving him.

“You made up your mind. We did too.” Clarke interrupted Octavia who was getting ready to fire back at him. “In case you aren’t taking me to the torture room, you should leave”

He wanted to shout and fight, how can’t they trust him? He wants to make sure they live. They are sentenced to death if they didn’t help the Cadogan get what he wants.

“I’m sorry” he finally said, before knocking on the door. The guards enter the room and life Clarke from the ground, dragging her out of the room.

His sister stood with tears in her eyes and her arms folded in front of her chest.

“Trust me O, I’m doing it for us” he said apologetically, before leaving the room after the guards. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any grammar or spelling mistakes I'm trying my best.
> 
> Also, after rereading this chapter, I kinda like it in a special way, how bellamy can be his own person and still try to save everyone he loves.  
> Unlike what happened on the show, he is undercover but the transcendence is reaching to him in a way, he got a glimpse and deep down he wants them to join the last war or even just stay alive until they win it.


	8. When it all falls down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for coming back <3  
> I always love the comments so please tell me what do you think and what do you think might happen next, your comments and messages on twitter really inspire me! 
> 
> Today's chapter can only be called: Angst.
> 
> Enjoy the ride!

Clarke was exhausted; her mind is hurting both mentally and physically.

Mentally, she can't get around the fact that, of all people, Bellamy is the one who betrayed her. And in a more physical way, his betrayal caused some pain as she is brought to M-Cap for the fourth day in a row. They keep trying to fog her memories and access her mind and she keeps fighting in her inside with showing them a repeated memory over and over again. When they nearly reached inside her, she started scarring herself to stop it, going back to her cell after she is passed out from the pain. Octavia cleans her wounds and comfort her, and then the next day they start all over again.

It’s been _FOUR fucking days_.

It stops today.

The guards throw her harshly on the M-Cap chair and start to tie her hands and legs, their movement is harsh and rough on her weak body. She didn’t fight them like she did on the first days because on the contrary to that time, she wants this now. She needs to fight Bellamy back, to hurt him and taunt him until he wakes up from this brainwash.

Disciple Levitt approaches her with his usual calm smile and starts his procedures.

“Seems like the endless desert isn’t something you like, let’s ask something else, shall we?” he said, too sweetly for a man who’s about to burn through her brain.

“You want to see a desert?” She challenges, looking past him to Bellamy who is standing a few steps away from them. He furrows his brows in confusion, clearly not ready for what she is going to say, or do, next.

She closes her eyes and smiles in triumph “You are going to get a desert”

Suddenly the silence of the room in interrupted with the sound of the devices working. Bellamy looks around to the hologram and tries to understand what is going on, clearly, Levitt didn’t do anything yet.

“What is this” Bellamy asked with a worried look on his face.

“Neuro link engaged” Levitt replied, confused himself.

Levitt started to move his hands in the air, probably adjusting the machine so that memory can be clearer. After a few moments, Clarke’s voice echoes through the room. Bellamy looked over at her but her mouth is tight shut and her eyes are drilling through his, he can see something different in her eyes. She is not looking angry or betrayed like she used to, she is _fierce_.

He looked away from her back to the hologram screen, seeing a yellow desert with a mountain far ahead. A radio came into sight and her voice rang through his ears. He is seeing through her eyes.

_What’s the point if all there is pain and suffering?_

_Real cheerful, Clarke. I’m sorry. Ignore me, okay?_

_I haven’t had water in two days. I need to find some soon, or I don’t think I’m gonna…_

The Scene moves to the side to look at the ruins of a metal structure. He looks closer and then it hits him: It’s the Ark.

_Anyway, I doubt you can hear me on this piece-of-crap radio, but in case this is the last time I get to do this, I just want to say…_

_Please don’t feel bad about leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you._

The memory disappeared as soon as it came and now he hears her real voice.

“Yeah really proud” she said sarcastically.

Bellamy’s head hurts and his heart is clenched in his chest. “Clarke, what are you…”

“Oh shut up, Blake” She raised her voice in anger. “You wanted my memories? You got them!”

She was silenced by her own voice in the machine once again.

Lexa was standing in the middle of the screen, a guilty look on her face. Clarke’s screams can be heard.

_You Bitch! You wanted the commander of death, you got her! AAAAA_

Suddenly the memory disappeared and Bellamy glanced back at Clarke to see her eyes closed shut very tight “No, no, no, not this” she mumbled to herself.

It’s clear that the memory slipped from her involuntarily, and he couldn’t help but wonder, is that how she sees him now? To her, Bellamy now is just as a traitor as Lexa was in Mount Weather?

The thought breaks his heart into a million pieces and he felt like his walls are going to crumble down, he turned to leave before anyone can see his hurt. But before he gets the chance to leave the room, she called for him again.

“I’m not done, I want to show you my memories, isn’t that what your shepherd wants?” She said while glaring at him.

“The key, Clarke. I want to see that” He begged. “Don’t do this to yourself, or me”

She looked away from him, back to the machine above her. He waited for her reply but it didn’t come from her mouth, it came from the screen instead.

_Hey, you saved my life today. You may be a total ass half the time,_

_but I need you._

_We need you._

_None of us would’ve survived this place if it wasn’t for you._

“Haha, that can’t be said about this situation, can it now?” she mocked him.

He took a deep breath while looking at his own bloody face on the hologram. The day he killed Dax. It feels like ages ago.

_You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you._

_You’re forgiven, okay?_

She is talking to him through her memories; she is willing to forgive him for everything he did, just if he doesn’t leave them now. He wants to just take her out of here and make her safe again, but he can’t.

Just like she is replying to his thoughts, her voice kept going.

_But you can’t run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me._

She had a tear rolling down her cheek, matching the tears on his own. He can’t stay to listen and he won’t leave her to do this alone. He clears his voice before he starts. “That’s enough for today, let’s go”

Levitt was starting to object but Bellamy gave him a sharp look, so he huffed and turned off the machine and took off his glasses.

“I have nothing to report to the shepherd” He said to Bellamy, his hands working on Clarke’s restrains.

She looked better than she did the previous days, but still was pale and dizzy when she stood up, leaning on the chair for support.

Bellamy’s gaze landed on her for a second before he said “She clearly is tired and won’t cooperate more than that, I will have a talk with her on our way back”

She didn’t bother to look at him before she shouted “Guards!” they opened the doors a bit too quickly, expecting trouble. She took a few unsteady steps towards them, “Take me back” is all she said before they took her arms and dragged her out of the white room, leaving both men standing there.

Bellamy shook his head in disbelief; he is living in a nightmare. He moved after them to the hallways, not ready to let her go too soon.

They _will_ talk today. He decided it’s enough torture for both of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo tell me what do you think about the radio calls, it was exciting to write!  
> leave kudos as well while you're here! Love you all <3   
> ________________________________
> 
> The next chapter is coming up soon, so here's a sneak peak:
> 
> He paced in his room from side to side, thinking about what he is going to say to let Clarke believe him. Cadogan allowed him to see her privately for an hour and then tell him what she decided. He wants her to trust him and just have some faith this time.


	9. The deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one week cause why not? you all deserve another chapter for all the support and patience you give to me <3
> 
> Have a nice read!

When Levitt reported back to the shepherd what happened in the M-Cap session, he was far away from pleased, and Bellamy could see how he looks at him like he’s a traitor, but never said it actually out loud.

After everyone was dismissed from the room, Bellamy sat down for a while to make Cadogan give him one last chance to convince Clarke, he told him he would do whatever it takes, for all mankind. Bill wasn’t thrilled but he didn’t object his plans. However he gave him an ultimatum, more like gave Clarke an ultimatum, but Bellamy himself feels pressured. Give them the key, or every last one of them dies on penance. And after all the disciples they’ve killed, Bellamy can’t really say this was unfair. It was fair enough.

He paced in his room from side to side, thinking about what he is going to say to let Clarke believe him. He’s allowed to see her privately for an hour and then report back to the shepherd what she decided. He wants her to trust him and just have some faith this time.

He's doing everything he can to save all of them. He tried with raven, but he wasn't lucky. He asked Miller if he was with Clarke the day he and Octavia went missing and he said they weren’t. He even asked Niylah but she simply said didn't know anything about the flame, either.

_Clarke you have to tell me._

_I can't lose you again, I just got you back._

He stopped moving around when the door was opened and Clarke stepped inside the room, the guards stayed outside but he still had an uneasy feeling. He looked at her to make sure she is not hurt, she was fine. Relatively.

“Give me your helmet, disciple” Bellamy ordered one of the guards on the door.

“Why?” the guard asked with his robot voice.

“I need this room clear; this is a private talk. The shepherd gave his permission” Bellamy replied confidentially, completely the opposite of what he’s feeling.

The disciples looked at each other, hesitating on what to do in this situation, but Bellamy didn’t give them a chance to think.

“Today, disciple.” He said again, stepping forward towards the door and reaching his hand out to the disciple to hand his helmet. Clarke stepped out of the doorway to allow Bellamy to step closer to them. They gave in, and one of them nodded and took off his helmet, handing it to him.

Bellamy put it on his head and it worked instantly, he checked his surroundings to find two disciples standing on each side of Clarke. He ordered them to leave and come back later to escort her and take back the helmet, and they did.

After the door closed, Bellamy took a deep breath and exhaled loudly in relief, turning around to face Clarke who’s sitting in a chair now, her elbows resting on the table in front of her. She looked at him for a moment and he felt like he might burst. Her eyes were sad and betrayed, but also he saw a small part of her that actually misses him? Wants him? He didn’t know what it was, but it scared the hell out of him.

He risked it and asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

"I just don't get it" she closed her eyes while she shook her head. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I already told you what I saw on the mountain" he pleaded, wanting her to understand. "I saw my mom Clarke, she was..." he exhaled exaggeratedly.

"She was there, she touched me and... and I felt the light and..." he was tearing now, unable to hold his walls up high anymore. He needed to feel real, to be real. Not just the act he's been doing for days now.

Something in Clarke felt something for him, because she stood up and moved towards him, and stopping just in front of him to touch his face gently.

"What happened to you Bellamy?" she repeated softly, nearly a whisper. She knows what isolation can do to a person. She betrayed Bellamy when she left him to die in the fighting pit, and now it feels like it’s all happening to her now. She told him he’s her family, and now it feels like he doesn’t see that anymore.

"You are all sentenced to death. Everyone goes to penance, but if you tell me where the flame is, we can stop it" he said sadly, trying to reach her.

She dropped her hand from his face and looked down, not meeting his eyes. "They would kill us anyway, even after they take the flame" she said angrily. "All I wanted was to get them out of here, you ruined our way out Bellamy, don’t you get it?"

"Not _our_ way out. You wouldn’t be with us" he shot back.

She faked a laugh and said "If you haven't noticed, we…" she motioned her hand between the two of them "are not _us_ anymore"

He stepped back, feeling her words slap him in the face, just like her memories did in M-Cap. And he can't keep doing this; he wants to tell her everything.

Can he though? He's not sure they aren't listening to them now. But what can he do? He should at least give her a hint if he wants her to have faith in him.

He looked again at her in the eyes, hoping that she gets the message this time: they are together in this.

“Klark, beja…” He lowered his voice a bit.

(Clarke, please…)

“Chit yu gaf?” She hissed; no longer patient with him. She’s had enough with this bullshit already, and she doesn’t want to listen to Bellamy defending this man anymore.

( _What do you want?)_

"Chil au klark, en sen ai op" he said calmly. He took a step closer to her, touching her forearms with both hands. “osir laik odega”

( _Calm down Clarke, and listen to me - we are together_ )

Clarke feels like he still remembers his family, but his loyalty is somewhere else. Whatever they are telling him, she needs him to realize that it’s not worth it.

“Ha?” she asked, still not convinced but calmer now. _(How?)_

“Ai na ste stelt. Sef beja, sis osir ai.” Bellamy whispered in her ear, he knows that if anyone listens they won’t understand, but he was not willing to risk it, so he keeps his voice down anyways.

( _I will stay hidden. But please, help me_ )

Clarke rested her forehead on his collarbone, her hair tickling his chin. He closed his eyes, afraid of what she says next.

Her breathing is slow and quite as she whispered ever so slightly “Den, teik emo hod op.”

_(Then, make them stop.)_

How can he make them if she won’t even help him? He wants all of his family to live; he wants them to follow his plan so they can all be safe.

“Beja, sis au ai” He repeated, begging her.

( _Please, help me.)_

She was quite for a moment, making up her mind. "They all go back to sanctum... No disciples" she said with a sigh.

He smiled and nodded happily, he is hopeful, she is willing to tell Cadogan where the flame is, and that’s all he can ask for.

But then she took a step away from him, his hands falling from her arms back to his sides. His smile faded when she started to speak again, knowing that tone very well.

“But remember Bellamy, ai laik wanheda. Nestam, ai na rip emo klin. Yu get klin ha e'na bilaik”

_(I am the commander of death. Next time, I’ll kill them all. You know I will)_

He swallowed hard at her words. “I know” He replied flatly, unable to form any sentence to respond to _that_.

He never gets how she do it. In a moment she is close to him and he can feel their connection, then the next moment she is a whole other person who doesn’t even show what she feels, she scares him.

She leaves the room then, not speaking a single word to him after. Clarke and Cadogan now have a deal, and he really doesn’t know where he stands or where is he fighting.

He’s torn apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UNDERCOVER!BELLAMY IS CANON, we should celebrate haha 
> 
> Come hang out with me on twitter!
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated <3


	10. No Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, welcome back here! 
> 
> This chapter has two pov's, Clarke and bellamy. You'll easy figure it out because i wrote it in bold.  
> Also. its more about the plotline than relationships, because we still need the story to keep going haha
> 
> enjoy this one!

**Clarke** was escorted back to her cell, and on her way back she kept thinking back and forth on everything Bellamy said. He seemed genuine and honest, but his motives are still unknown to her, so for the time being and after everything they’ve been through she doesn’t give in that quickly. He asked for her trust and she kind of given him one last chance. O _ne_.

She hopes with all her heart that the Bellamy she used to know won’t turn his back on his family again. He did it once already and it broke them and torn them apart, if he does that again, she won’t be able to mend their bond this time.

True to her word, she won’t stand by and watch Cadogan and his people kill her people. She would kill them all before they even think about it.

When she arrived, the door slid open and she stepped inside to find Cadogan waiting for her. She looked around the room to look for Octavia, and spotted her standing in the far corner of their cell. Octavia’s hands were restrained while three disciples stood around her, probably protecting Cadogan from her; they’ve seen Blodreina after all, so they should be scared.

“That was fast” Clarke said, a smug smirk on her face. “I guess Disciple Blake was too eager to tell you”

Cadogan didn’t seem to care about anything she said because his face remained calm and collected. In fact, he didn’t even reply to what she said, instead he started to throw questions at her.

“I would like to know how disciple Blake convinced you to cooperate, but we don’t have much time” he said in his slow monotone voice, standing straight and his hands behind his back. “Now, the key, where is it?”

“I’ll take you to it… but, you know my conditions” she replied.

“I will do everything you ask, but Echo and Hope are not forgiven” He told her.

“What? No, I won’t accept that and you know it!” Clarke cried at him angrily.

“It’s either they die, or you _all_ die… Your choice, Clarke” he replied and without any more words, he turned and left the room, once again leaving her and Octavia in the cell all alone.

She paced the room in anger, mumbling incoherently and cursing under her breathe. Octavia moved towards her, looking like there is something on her mind. She opened her mouth a few times to speak but nothing came out.

After a few moments she looked up at her and actually spoke this time. “Clarke, I think it’s okay, take the deal…” Octavia started speaking calmly.

Clarke whipped her head at her, not believing what she heard. This whole situation is becoming more difficult and unsolvable every passing minute. Everyone seems to be losing their goddamn mind, what is she saying? Is this serious?

“What? Are you hearing yourself right now?” Clarke hissed.

“I know its complicated in here, but you got to trust me on this one” Octavia said confidentially.

“What is it about the Blakes that you want my blind trust today?” She replied angrily, half mocking her.

“I trained as a disciple for months Clarke, I know how things work here” she looked serious while she spoke this time, not careful anymore. “And let me tell you; it doesn’t work your way… So you might as well try to listen to me!”

Clarke was taken aback by her tone. The more she thinks about it the more she knows that they don’t have any good plan right now, so she actually considers trusting her. After all, Octavia won’t leave Hope here to die, she will fight for her. They won’t be able to talk through about this plan because they are being watched, but she doesn’t actually have any better options and all she needs is to get off this planet and back to her daughter. 

She sighs in defeat, ready to accept Cadogan’s condition.

______________________________________________

Everything was a blur, **Bellamy** watched everything go by while he stood there, feeling useless.

Everyone was being brought to the stone room with their hands handcuffed in front of them. The disciples guard the room heavily as his people are being lined up against the wall. Raven stood opposite from him, eyeing him with a look of sadness and betrayal. He can’t take it so he looked back to the door, waiting for everyone to arrive.

After a few minutes, he saw Clarke and Octavia enter the room and join the others by the wall.

“Good, everyone is here, we better get going” Cadogan told everyone.

“My shepherd” Bellamy interrupted him. “There are two missing… Echo and Hope”

“They aren’t a part of the deal. Apparently, you didn’t believe me when I told you; you’re wrong about all of this” Clarke replied to Bellamy, but her eyes fixed on Cadogan.

He swallowed hard, feeling guilt fill his chest like a fluid that might drown him. He needed to shut up before he shows anymore emotion but apparently, his tongue is faster that his brain. 

“You lied to me?” he asked the Shepherd, angrily.

“Are you questioning my decisions?” Cadogan asked back, a challenge in his voice.

“Apologies, my Shepherd” He quickly replied, trying to fix his outburst with a fake look of regret on his face.

“Can you send Echo to penance after you come back from sanctum? At least explain to her what the deal was. That’s the only thing I’m asking” Octavia suddenly said, turning all heads in the room towards her.

Bellamy looked like he was slapped in the face, but he kept his mouth shut.

Bill looked at her and then to Clarke, weighing his options. Clarke nodded to him silently to support Octavia’s request. After a few seconds he accepts with a stone cold smirk “Of course”

Octavia sighed in relief and eyed Clarke; they are having a silent conversation with their eyes that Bellamy is trying hard to understand but fails miserably. How will that help Echo? Or Hope? He doesn’t know.

Bill steps towards the stone and enters a code, then the green glow of the anomaly fills the room and they start wearing their helmets and walking in one by one. When it was Raven’s turn to enter the Anomaly suddenly closes, and they turn to face Cadogan, not understanding what happened.

“What happened? What did you do?” Clarke asked him, but he turned again towards the stone not answering her.

“He didn’t send them to sanctum” Raven answered “You probably didn’t send me bec…”

“Because you know how the stone works, that’s correct” Bill Completed her sentence, not bothering to look at them.

“You promised they would be safe!” Clarke growled at him. “Bellamy! You knew about this?”

Bellamy shook his head in disbelief but before he could answer, the Shepherd did.

“He didn’t know” Cadogan smiled at her “They are safe, when I get the key, you get them back” he offered, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

After a few touches on the stone, the glow filled the room once again and Cadogan told them to wear their helmets, and they started to walk through the anomaly.

Clarke, Raven, Gabriel, and Bellamy arrived at the forests of sanctum, along with Cadogan and his now invisible disciples.

“Gabriel, lead the way” Cadogan ordered as they started moving in the forest, stepping carefully to avoid any poisonous gases from the plants under their feet.

They walked for some time; Gabriel was up front while Raven and Clarke walked side by side after him, whispering between them. Bellamy walked by the Shepherd’s side all the way as they passed by Gabriel’s hut and the underground rooms that Josephine used to hide inside. After what feels like hours, they can finally see the radioactive shield a few miles away and they started to move faster towards it.

But they all suddenly stopped when Gabriel did. Clarke moved closer to him and asked him what’s wrong but he shook his head and said its nothing. They started to walk again but then Raven screamed and fell to the ground, holding her head like someone just hit her. This time Bill didn’t hesitate to move to the front and ask Gabriel what is going on.

“Red sun” Gabriel mumbled, looking at a single tree with all his focus.

“What the hell is a Red Sun?” Cadogan asked impatiently.

“Umm, my Shepherd” Bellamy called him, Bill turned around to find him looking to the sky in horror, he looked up too and saw the swarm of insects flying in the night sky. “We should run” Bellamy said finally, as he picked Raven from the ground and motioned to everyone to move quickly.

They all break into a run towards the shield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the anomaly was originally in the forest, like it's under the lake in skyring, so it felt off for me that by miracle they moved it into the palace, the anomaly doesnt have to be in the same place as the stone.. thats what they showed us in season 6 and 7A, so i guess i have to do this right and give us some continuity in the story about the anomaly and the science behind everything...
> 
> Tell me what do you think in the comments or dm me on twitter!
> 
> Thank you for all the support and the kudos you leave, I appreciate it <3


	11. Hell broke loose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning:  
> This chapter contains description of injuries, Suicide attempt, and blood scenes, so proceed carefully.
> 
> If you feel uneasy reading it you can skip that part and you will still be able to understand, feel free to ask in the comments/on twitter about what happened and I can tell you. 
> 
> It was hard to write because of all the darkness and emotional hurt but it's a good one and I hope it’s worth it.

Bellamy was running full speed until Raven stopped suddenly and he hit her back, making both of them fall face-down on the ground. When he sat on his knees and tried to help her stand she refused and sobbed even more.

“No I didn’t want to kill Hatch, please you have to believe me” She pleaded while she kept her eyes fixed on a blank spot in front of her. She reached her hand out but retreated it very quickly like she was burnt.

“Please Nikki, listen to me… I didn’t… No no… I didn’t want this … I’m sorry” She started shaking as she wept on the ground and he tried everything he could to make her stand up with him but couldn’t.

“You can’t help her. You can’t help Octavia or Echo, too” Bellamy heard a familiar voice say. He froze in his place, afraid to turn around and see who’s talking to him because he knows goddamn well who this is. No, this can’t be.

He stood up slowly and turned to face him. Tears gather in his eyes when he saw the man standing in front of him, his gray clothes all stained with blood. “Your silence doesn’t help, you know” Kane said.

“Kane… You are here!” Bellamy cried and moved forward towards the figure of Kane in front of him, his heart leaped with happiness when he saw him again. But all his happiness evaporated when Kane turned his head to the side and raised his palm to him to tell him to stop.

“I remember the day I told you to do better today than you did yesterday… but now” he motioned his hands to the other people around them “You didn’t do better”

“You aren’t the good guy, either” another voice said, and his eyes averted from Kane to the person coming to stand beside him now. Monty.

“I… I tried” Bellamy defended. “I want to save everyone”

“One hell of a job you did, Bellamy” Monty said as he turned away and walked into the forest. Bellamy called for him and asked him to wait but with no use, his friend left him. His eyes pooled with tears while he kept apologizing, to no one in particular, until Kane moved closer to speak to him.

“I bet you are happy that Clarke is alone right now, so she would kill herself and you could blame it on the Red Sun” Kane said with a whisper like it’s a secret. Bellamy blinked a couple of times trying to understand what the man said but he started to walk away from him just like Monty did.

“Wait, don’t go!” Bellamy pleaded. “I need you!”

“Goodbye, son” Kane said his farewell as he walked away and vanished into thin air.

“I love you, Kane” Bellamy whispered as he wiped off his tears and started to turn around and look for his people. He ignored all the whispers and haunting sounds from his past and tried to think straight.

What did Kane mean when he said Clarke would die? He tried to focus through his blurry vision and looked around for her, he moved between the trees and fallen trunks calling her name a few times until he heard soft cries coming from behind a large oak tree. He moved around it and found her half-sitting half-lying down with her back on the tree and blood all over her clothes. He panicked and started to cut a part from his robe to stop the bleeding with, he searched her face and neck but didn’t find any cuts.

“Clarke!” He called her name again and again but she kept her eyes closed and cried silently. He found a knife on the ground just by her left hand and it was dripping red.

He looked around her body until he found a cut in her abdomen, a slash of red across her center. He carefully lifted her blue – red – shirt and rolled it under her breasts, he felt his guts clench and his breath shallows as he saw her wound, she did that to herself and he didn’t stop it. He wasn’t there for her, again.

“You can’t save her” a woman said, he looked to his left to see Gina looking at him sadly. He nearly choked on thin air when he saw her.

“No, I will” he replied breathlessly.

She shook her head and moved to his back and rested her chin on his shoulder and whispered in his ears. “You can’t save her, just like you couldn’t save me”, he whipped his head around but she was just gone. He let out a slow breath to steady himself and looked down at the blonde in front of him.

_I can’t let Clarke die. I won’t_.

He quickly pressed the fabric into the cut and to clean her and inspect her wound to see if she’s in danger; she is not. It’s a shallow but long cut that starts from under her left breast going to her right hipbone. The blood is trickling down her lower stomach and through her pants, so he kept pressing onto the cut for a few minutes until it stopped bleeding.

He yelled for Gabriel with all his might once and twice until he answered back. He picked up Clarke with his hands under her arms and knees, and walked towards the direction he heard Gabriel call from. He saw a bag on one shoulder while Raven was holding to him in the other one.

“Red sun toxin” Gabriel said shortly motioning towards the bag, he moved towards him and placed one dose on his nose and Bellamy inhaled the medicine. After a few seconds, all the noises around him disappeared and he felt better. But he looked back at Clarke and remembered he can’t feel better when she’s like that.

“We held the bugs away but it won’t work more than that, we have to go inside the shield and then I’ll check Clarke” Gabriel explained as he ushered Bellamy forward in a hurry.

Gabriel led the way with a torch while Raven held the other torch and ran behind them. The fire illuminated their path as he walked as fast as he could with Clarke in his arms.

**_____**

They ran up the stairs that leads to the palace and towards the infirmary. Jackson was sitting there when they entered the small room and suddenly stood and rushed towards them. Gabriel explained to him what happened as they started working and told everyone to give them some space, so Bellamy and Raven sat back in two chairs to calm down for the first time since they came back to sanctum.

“Hey guys, where is Nate?” Jackson called for them while he worked, he looked really not good, and Bellamy wonders what’s happened here; the place looks like loose hell.

Raven simply said that their people are all fine but not here on Sanctum, offering him a comforting smile. He can’t get distracted; they need him and Gabriel to heal Clarke before she loses more blood.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes while the two men worked, and Bellamy suddenly remembered why they are here and who is missing when he turned to Raven and broke that deadly silence. “Where are Cadogan and the others?”

“And here I thought you’d ask about me” Raven mocked him. He looked at her apologetically but she brushed him off and continued.

“Gabriel can work under the effect of the red sun so he went back to his hut in the forest and brought some doses for us” she said to him without looking at him once. “Cadogan and his disciples are waiting for us in the gardens, once we finish here” she motioned to Clarke.

He didn’t even need to answer once they saw Clarke waking up; he practically sprinted towards her to check up on her. He stood over her head while Jackson wrapped her middle with medical gauze. She winced slightly at his working hands around her, but other than that she seemed okay. Jackson finished his work and gave her a small bag with extra antiseptic and gauze just in case.

“You were just unconscious, are you okay?” Bellamy asked, feeling relieved but still did not understand how she suddenly became normal again. She just nodded in response.

Gabriel jumped to explain, sensing how Raven and Bellamy are still worried. “She wasn’t out because of the bleeding; it’s just the effect of the red sun. Once we gave Clarke a dose she woke up”

Bellamy sat down on the edge of Clarke’s makeshift hospital bed and caressed her shoulder repeatedly, trying to formulate one good sentence to say. She locked her eyes with her and he just couldn’t escape from those blue oceans; he’s drowning in them. She lifted her hand and held his wrist and brings his hand from her shoulder, leaving both their hands on the bed beside her waist.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like this” she said, her voice a bit raspy from all the crying. “I’m okay, you can go now” She then takes her hand away from his and gets up to leave the bed. He was taken aback from the wall she suddenly built between them.

Raven approached her and asked her gently “Do you need more time to rest?” She shook her head in response and then walks to the other room to change her blood-stained shirt. They all wandered in the clinic silently, waiting for her.

She reemerges to the room after a few with the same leather pants and boots but her top changed into a black long-sleeved shirt. She reaches around to Jackson and asks him something silently, he handed her the small bag he prepared before and a small object that the others couldn’t see clearly. Before Bellamy could ask about it she turned around and cleared her throat.

“Let’s go get our people back” She commanded firmly; with no sign of tiredness or fear in her tone.

She is fearless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila! 
> 
> The red sun hallucinations always give me LDR vibes so I listened to Once upon a dream - LDR while writing this one, from Bellamy's pov of course.  
> Also, I wish Clarke could take a break... I feel sad for her tbh but "She was born for this" ;) 
> 
> As I said in the beginning, if you skipped the forest scene you can to ask in the comments or on twitter about what happened..
> 
> Finally: THANK YOU FOR 1.6K HITS AND ALL THE KUDOS I FEEL BLESSED!  
> See y'all next week <3


	12. The Palace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! welcome back <3
> 
> I am happy to update - finally - because i was struggling with this one too much haha!  
> I know the plotline is kinda slow but i have many details on my mind that i dont wanna miss. I hope you like this chapter, it has a certain moment that i personally liked. 
> 
> Enjoy!

They all rushed out of the clinic and out into the night. Clarke was ahead of the group as they descended from the palace to the gardens of sanctum, to get back to Cadogan. They had a silent agreement that they had to do this fast so they could get to Octavia and others as soon as possible.

Gabriel stopped suddenly and yelled “Shut up!” they were all startled and he blinked a couple of times then closed his eyes shut tightly.

Raven gave him a concerned look while the others seemed to struggle to understand. She moved forward to touch his shoulder but he brushed her off and walked in a hurry, leaving them behind.

“What happened to him” Bellamy asked.

“There wasn’t enough Red sun anti-toxin, he’s still under the effect”

They walked silently between the crops towards the shield for a while, when Raven broke the silence to ask about what happened while they weren’t here.

Jackson let out a deep breath before he explained “Sheidheda is back, he took over sanctum”

Everyone whipped their heads at his statement in disbelief. Raven seemed to think about the possibility of that while Clarke had different thoughts.

She turned quickly to face him with a terrified expression on her face “What? Where is Madi?”

“Safe for now, but she might not be if we didn’t hurry” Jackson replied again, giving them an apologetic look.

He told them briefly what happened with the faithful and the prisoners, how Emori took over the reactor room and Murphy is taken hostage. And that the dark commander is trying to kill Madi and every person hiding with Emori.

“So, Sheidheda is alive and Madi is in a nuclear reactor?” Raven asked sarcastically. “You did good”

“Murphy saved everyone he could. It’s the best we managed” Jackson defended.

“Stop!” Clarke exclaimed and turned around to walk even faster now, cursing under her breath. They all followed her silently to the big yellow house. She told them to wait in the porch as she started to walk around the house to the place where they buried the flame.

“I’m coming with you” Bellamy jumped after her, before she could get out of his sight.

“Whatever” she mumbled. She found a small banquet of flowers lying on the grass. She started to dig with her bare hands, until a black shiny object came to view. Bellamy could swear he saw her tear for a moment but she wiped her face with the back of her hand before she continued digging in the dirt in another spot beside it.

He kneeled down and pushed the dirt aside to take a look on the shiny object. It was a ring and a necklace. He saw them before but he wasn’t sure where, so he took it in his hands to examine it. After turning it around his hand a few times realization hits him.

_It’s buried. She cried. Her mom used to wear a necklace._

“Is this….?” He trailed of when Clarke froze in her place, she noticed the necklace in his hand. She looked in his eyes deeply; he could swear the intensity of the eye contact can set his body on fire.

After what feels like ages, her pointed look turned into a sorrowful one. Her body shook slightly when she sighed, defeated. “Yes. Mom and dad” She said flatly, and turned her attention to the ground again. She reached her hand and wiggled her fist into the dirt as she grasped something and pulled her hand back. It came into sight the familiar metal box of the flame and Bellamy felt relieved, he didn’t realize he was holding his breath the whole time.

Clarke brushed the dirt of the box and looked inside to find the destroyed flame. She nodded her head to herself and stood up quickly.

“Got it, let’s go”

They marched back to the front of the big house to their group, but they were greeted with an unpleasant sight. Cadogan stood with them while the others looked like they’ve been electrocuted.

Clarke didn’t need to ask what’s wrong, she knows that the disciples are holding them in place with knifes to their throats or gun to their backs. It would be surprising if it wasn’t the only thing those disciples can do.

“Good to see you’re back” Bill said with his usual unflattering tone. “Hand me the key, I don’t want to be on this infernal moon a moment longer than I have to”

Clarke shook her head and moved closer to him “We get to the stone first, get my people back, and then you take it”

“You don’t seem to understand the situation” He smiled.

Before she can reply back they hear a loud crack sound in the sky, followed by buzzing. They all looked to the sky, astonished. The shield is down and the bugs are entering sanctum.

“Disciple, take us to the stone, now!” Bill ordered.

A disciple appeared suddenly, and started walking towards the place again, they all rushed behind.

________

“What the hell happened here?” Clarke asked, her eyes wide with shock. She knew what happened after Jackson told them, but she never imagined it was _this_ bad. The palace hall was soaked with blood on the floors and walls. She was welcomed by the sight of Russel – Sheidheda – sitting on a throne made of yellow skulls, it made her feel sick and het guts clench in slight panic. _Madi_.

Murphy waved with a smirk on his face, they all turned their heads to him noticing how his wrists and ankles are restrained with ropes.

“Jeez, Where to begin?” he commented sarcastically.

Before any of them can talk or ask anything else, Bill stepped forward to Sheidheda with open arms. “Ordinarily I would relish the opportunity to recruit your forces to serve the cause. But unfortunately, I neither have the time nor patience in this situation. I am going to ask you only one thing, just that we use the stone and leave” he offered a polite smile. After a beat of silence, he added “Peacefully”

Sheidheda rose from his throne and hissed to his second man, a smug look implanted on his one-eyed face. “You came to my palace, the only way to leave, alive, is if you take a kneel” he said dangerously slow.

“As much as I understand the simplicity of your request, I’m afraid I’ll have to refuse” Cadogan said with an unwavering confidence.

Sheidheda’s smug smile turned into a wide grin. “Then you die”

He pulled a sword from beside his throne and charged towards Cadogan, but fell to the ground before he can reach him. His whole body was slammed into the rough marble and his face had a confused and scared look. In a sudden moment, all Wonkru army was shot by the invisible disciples and the others watched in surprise as they saw bodies fall to the ground. Sheidheda was being dragged to the side of the room and tied.

“Murphy! “Raven called as she and Clarke hurried to remove his restrains. He freed his hands with some struggling locking his eyes with Bellamy.

“Invisible army and ray guns I can understand, but this” he motioned his heads towards him “need some explanation though”

Bellamy looked at him sadly before turning away to look at the dead bodies. He seemed to not grasp the scene in front of him; those people were Wonkru, he came with these people from earth and now he watched them die. He needs a moment to ground himself. Indra stood there and looked at him with a look of betrayal he knew very well by now. Everyone looks at him like this. Octavia, Echo, Raven, they all did.

Even Clarke, although he told her he was on their side. 

They need to finish this mission before anyone else dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for nearly 1.9 Hits! wow!  
> I already started the next chapter so there will be another update in a few days.
> 
> Waiting for your comments and your dms on twitter<3  
> Kudos are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @AshendeSuperius
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated ❤️


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